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What do you know, Joan Bulmer?
Characters (in order of appearance) Joan Bulmer – late teens, homely in appearance. Friend and lady-in-waiting to Kitty. Katherine “Kitty” Howard – Queen of England, married to Henry VIII. Also late teens. Currently under arrest for treason. Sir Richard Rich – advisor to King Henry, head of the investigation into Katherine’s actions. Mid-30s. Warmly dressed, with a gold chain around his neck. Time and Place A prison cell in the Tower of London, November 1541. It is cold and dank. Lights up on 2 separate KITTY Joan, you mustn’t tell.
You mustn’t tell them anything. If they find out, they’ll kill us. They’ll kill us, you understand? Us. JOAN Kitty – I’m not – not going to –
Betray you. I couldn’t. We’ve known each other – God, I’d rather lose half of myself first.
This cell – is this where you are now? Or something like it? KITTY Mine is worse – there’s more space. Nothing but a void. JOAN Are we going to die in the Tower? I don’t want to die – KITTY Nor do I. And if we’re strong, we won’t. They need a confession – remember that. Just stick to the story – Sound of keys rattling, of a door JOAN They’re coming. Oh God – KITTY Don’t be afraid – please! Spotlight on Kitty dims. Lights up Enter Rich at a deliberate pace, like JOAN …Sir? Silence. Rich slowly places paper, Are you here to…to question me? RICH Not at all. Merely here to take in the wretched smell of rusty chains and moldering stones. Of course I’m here to ask you questions. His Majesty’s council is convinced you have answers worth giving. JOAN Answers to what? RICH Bring your chair over to me. If you want to live, that is.
You stand accused of treason, Miss Bulmer. Now, I’d rather not believe it’s true, since that would mean you would have to – well, die for it.
As I see it, the only way you will die is if you don’t tell me the truth. You wouldn’t lie to me, would you? JOAN What do you want to know? RICH Good girl. That’s what I want to hear. Now to begin…
“I, Sir Richard Rich, hereby ask certain questions of Miss Joan Bulmer, regarding the conduct of Queen Katherine, in re charge of treason.” You’ll need to answer some questions I’ve prepared in advance. Shall we begin?
How long have you known Katherine Howard? JOAN We have been friends since – well, since she came to live at her grandmother’s dormitory with me.
I suppose she – she must have been 10 or so. She’s a year younger – RICH So 7 years. And you were her roommate at the dormitory?
Have you ever met or heard of a man called Manox? Henry Manox?
KITTY You can talk about Manox – it’s not treason. RICH Miss Bulmer – JOAN Yes. Yes, I knew Henry Manox. He was our music teacher – Kitty’s and mine, I mean. RICH By “Kitty”… JOAN The Queen, I mean – forgive me, sir. RICH What was Manox’s relationship with – we’ll call her Kitty, for familiarity’s sake – with her? JOAN He…he wanted to sleep with her. She was only 13 at the time, he was older –
RICH But not to marry her? JOAN I told him he couldn’t do that – she was far too above him in rank. He said “My intentions aren’t to marry her, wench. I just want to – “
“F*ck her”. RICH What did you say? Hmm? JOAN He wanted to f*ck her. To take her virginity. RICH We’ll just say he wanted her maidenhead.
Did he – get – her maidenhead? JOAN No, sir. He tried for – well, about a year or so, but then he gave up. He left a month later. KITTY That’s good. RICH That’s what Mr. Manox claimed as well. Good. Now, Manox also claimed that he was replaced in Queen Kath – in Kitty’s affections, I mean – by a certain gentleman who paid visits to the dormitory fairly frequently. JOAN Many men did, sir – RICH And was one of them named Francis Dereham?
Miss Bulmer… KITTY There was nothing between us after I married the King. The rest is – we won’t die for it. JOAN But you promised him – RICH Joan Bulmer!
The wall, madam isn’t asking you questions. I am. JOAN I am sorry, my lord. Please continue. RICH Was one of the gentlemen who visited Kitty at her grandmother’s named Francis Dereham? JOAN Yes, he was. RICH Did he and Kitty know each other? JOAN Carnally? RICH I was curious about their shared love of gardening – yes, of course carnally. JOAN He had sex with her – RICH How many times? JOAN 6 or 7. RICH Oddly specific of you. JOAN I was there. In the next bed over. RICH Ah.
The dowager Duchess ordered the doors to the dormitory closed every night. How, then, did he get in? JOAN There was an entrance through the back – a little staircase, windy. She didn’t know about it. We left it unlocked – RICH We? JOAN The other girls and I. RICH Did Dereham visit often at night? JOAN As frequently as he ought to have. RICH Ought? JOAN They were married, my lord, so it made – KITTY Well done, Joan! Almost safe… RICH Married?! How do you know this? JOAN They had a ceremony in the Duchess’ chapel, the winter before she came here. No priest, of course – just a solemn vow between them. RICH Yet still legal. Were there any witnesses to this? JOAN Myself and Mary Hall. Also Anne Carey.
RICH The Council will have to reexamine those two – they didn’t mention this in their testimony. KITTY That’s what they get for tattling! RICH Now, Dereham left for Ireland a short time before Kitty moved to court to serve Anne of Cleves. Why did he do this if he was married? JOAN He was going to earn some income, sir, get some property there. He said he’d come back after that and claim Kitty publicly.
KITTY Because we were married, the King can’t kill me for adultery. Just stick to that and we’re free. JOAN
I will. RICH
I will -? JOAN I was talking to myself, my lord. RICH The Tower can do that to its prisoners. JOAN Do what, sir? RICH Make them go mad. Their minds wander, go over every little step they took, each little mistake they made, talking themselves into – but what do they know, Joan? For all they know, the people they talk to are real.
Well, I believe that’s all I had to ask you. Thank you, Miss Bulmer.
JOAN I am glad I could help you. When might I be released? RICH Soon, I’m sure.
Ah, yes – I forgot. My apologies, Miss Bulmer, but I forgot a question. JOAN Of course sir. Please, go ahead and ask.
RICH Now, let’s see, what was it…? Ah, yes – when did Thomas Culpeper begin visiting the Queen at night? KITTY Oh God. Oh God, no – JOAN What – I’m, err – sir? RICH
When did Thomas Culpeper begin visiting the Queen at night? KITTY Joan, say nothing, say you know nothing! RICH Are you listening to me, girl? I asked if you know when Culpeper started prowling her bedchamber at night. JOAN Sir, I…sir… KITTY Please.
RICH Dereham told us about Culpeper, how he pushed him out of the way in the Queen’s affections. What did Culpeper do with that affection? What did he do with her? JOAN Kitty, I…Kitty…
Oh God. RICH You’re not being cooperative, Miss Bulmer. I’m not gentle with traitors who aren’t cooperative, you hear?
If you don’t know what this is, you will in a moment. When I start twisting the handle, you’ll feel a terrible pain shooting up your hand. That’s because all the bones in your thumb are being crushed, the fingernail being torn out – listen to me! This is what we call torture.
If you won’t tell about Culpeper, even after this, I have other methods. There’s a rack downstairs – we stretch you on it until you can never walk again. We can pull out your teeth one by one. Or I could kill William – JOAN Stop. RICH I know you’re fond of him. I also know he’s sitting in my house my right, under lock and key – JOAN Stop! RICH If need be, we’ll drag him in here and poke him with some irons. Red-hot ones, I mean. It’ll hurt a little, I imagine – JOAN Oh God, please stop – RICH
What do you know, Joan Bulmer? What do you know? JOAN I’ll – I’ll tell you. Everything.
KITTY Joan!
JOAN I don’t have a choice. KITTY This will kill me – they’ll kill me for certain – JOAN What do you want to me to do? They know, Kitty, don’t you see? It’s all a game. What good is it if I suffer for nothing? When you’re going to die no matter what? KITTY
Joan, please – JOAN If they don’t get it out of me, Thomas will talk. Or Mary, or Francis. They’ll figure it out. They may have figured it out already. I don’t want to die, you see? Not for this. KITTY I trusted you! I told you my secrets, shared my thoughts – JOAN How well I know. And now I have to tell him all about them. KITTY You might as well be my executioner.
RICH
This place does make people talk. I was merely jesting, mind you.
KITTY Joan… JOAN I am here, sir. What do you want to know about Kitty – the Queen – and Master Culpeper? RICH Very good. I knew you had some sense.
When Master Culpeper visited the Queen – JOAN They would frequently make love, sir. Lady Rochford would guard the door. My job was to stand in the stairwell with a torch, to make sure no one was coming. RICH And were these trysts at Greenwich? JOAN No, sir. They also occurred on the King’s trip to the North – Lincoln, Pontefract and York. RICH This matches Lady Rochford’s testimony – before she went mad, that is.
Very good. Well, that finishes what I need to know. Thank you, Miss Bulmer for your time. I fear we may not meet again.
JOAN Why do you say that? RICH I don’t plan on being locked up in the Tower for the rest of my life.
I promised you your life, you stupid girl. I never promised you freedom.
Slow blackout. End
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